Hello, I am Lesley, though I prefer Les… (some people insist on calling me Lesley, which just makes me think of times when my mum was angry with me).
Warmest of welcomes to you dear one.
What is Pursuing Kindness? There are a number of things that is at the core of Pursuing Kindness. First, this is where I blog about experiences and any learnings, which I share with you. I am on a quest for finding ease and flow in life, plus ways in which we can be kinder, be it with ourselves or others. This can be anything from what we wear to what we eat, how we treat ourselves and others. Then there’s The Soul Circle, this is about the women’s circles I facilitate, and finally there’s essential oils that I use and share. I am a Meditation Guide, Circle Facilitator and Self Love Expert.
For years, I have been going through life, feeling depressed a lot of the time, and just surviving. Mental health issues and anxiety have plagued me since my early 20’s. I have been constantly seeking, and looking for answers, sometimes in all the wrong places, on how to be happy, how can I heal the ‘broken’ parts of me, how do I come to terms with the past. But what this has meant is, I am constantly looking in the rearview mirror, not quite living in the present, fretting over the future, again, not living in the present. I have spent so much of my life, trying to ‘fix’ myself so I am easier to be around for everyone else, because my darkness is too hard to cope with, for everyone else. I have played victim to the events of life, poor me, why me, and so on. I have always said, I am a glass half empty kind of person, like it’s something to be proud of. And it’s not..
All the noise and chaos that has lived in my mind, has pushed me over the edge a number of times, I have been to the depths of my soul and stayed there for too long, unsure of how to get myself out of it, afraid of who I am without the darkness. I have identified with the darkness, the depression, for too long. It took up residency in my heart. Living from a place of constant fear. Fear of abandonment, fear of my dark thoughts, fear of loss, has kept me stuck in this cycle of self hatred, sadness and rage. I did pretty well at covering that up, pushing it down, moving it aside, so I could function and ‘be with’ people, whilst not actually being with them, because I was keeping myself in check. Feeling like was a fraud. I felt dirty. I felt alone. I experienced the dark night of the soul more times than I care to remember. Have you heard that once you hit rock bottom, you won’t even go then again, I call bullshit on that one. Perhaps some have been lucky, I know others, who have not been so lucky. I had pretty much resigned myself to feeling that this was my life and I became so tired of trying to be someone different. Someone ‘normal’.
Last year, I went through a major life event and experienced, some of the most intense emotions anyone can go through. And during that time, I had to look deep within and seek strength that I never knew I had. Because I faced a lot of traumatic events when I was young, at the core of me, I am resilient, much to my own detriment at times, there’s a dark side to resilience which has meant sticking with things for far too long. And whilst going through this… I got ill. Or I should say, I was ill for a long time, but my body said enough. Illness forced me to sit in the muck. No escaping, no distractions – although it was during this time, that I started to drink more heavily than I used to, glasses of wine started to be filled earlier and earlier each day, when I poured a glass of wine at 11am one day and was drunk by 1pm, I knew that this was something different. Without realising, I was using alcohol to numb the pain. Here I was again, self-destructing. Thank god, I had the wherewithal to see what was happening before anything took hold. I stopped drinking at home. That’s a rule now.
I had a bit of a wake up call about a month ago, where I realised that only I could heal myself. So instead of seeing the illness as a punishment, I started to thank the universe. I read book after book on how the mind and body are so intrinsically connected, that our thoughts affect our bodies, I mean I knew this on a rational level, but that’s different to knowing this with the heart. I stopped going out and I stopped reaching out. I meditated twice a day, and it was in those quiet moments, that I started feel the light. I started to heal. And I started to become very aware of how my words were affecting my life and my body. So for instance, each conversation I had about yoga with friends, or even while I was at yoga, I would say or think ‘I am not flexible, this is so hard’… uh, and guess what, by constantly putting this out in the world, it was coming back, so now I say, ‘I am getting more and more flexible with every pose’. Because that is actually the truth. I have started to look at the life I am creating or the life I am in, and can see all the connections to the words and thoughts, and my reality. It started to make sense.
Self-love has been my number one priority and I have been trying out different modalities to find out what works, but the reality is, once you quieten your mind and become still, and you listen, I mean really listen to your soul’s calling, it will tell you what you need, it’s quiet at first but eventually you will hear it. All the reaching out, looking outside of yourself is kinda pointless because we all need different things to replenish and nourish ourselves and you will often just feel disappointed anyway.
Follow me as I invite you to try different healing principles, quieten your mind and listen to the whispers of your heart.
Love and light